The story behind this poem: - I have spent a lifetime keeping parts of me separate to cope with the trauma of my childhood, which overflowed dramatically into my adulthood and kept me in a body of pain and torment. I have been working to release myself, to be me, to reduce the pain in my body by acknowledging myself, to myself. My life took up a number of parts (like most of us have). My tiny baby was born and with my birth mother a few weeks before being wrenched away to be adopted, with weeks in a cot in a room with lots of other abandoned babies. My child then found herself living a tormented, abused adopted life and became a broken teenager. My teenager took everything, took the pain which eventually as a young adult seeped into my brain and caused my mental health to suffer. The pain never left my body either and finally presented itself as M.E and fibromyalgia. My pain though now is starting to filter away. Very slowly I am stopping hating my teenager. I had to hate her. She was disgusting and I couldn’t live with her. I’d had to separate her and let her be my pain. Now I’ve taken her in. It’s really hard. She struggles as she’s an independent survivor. I take her hand and bring her with me step by step now, into my adult life. It’s taken too long, too many years of my life have been wasted, but I’ll not look back… only forwards, taking my baby, child and awkward teenager with me!
The parts of me are merging now
I'm taking them all in
The abandoned baby, frightened child
The abused and beaten teen.
I’m finally accepting now that these are parts of me
It’s taken half a century, they were so hard to see
Now I am an adult with open eyes
I can see where my inner self lies.
The abandoned baby cried so much I wanted to ignore her
She cried for her mummy, Oh, how that that hurt!
She tied me tight inside and gnawed at my heart
I wanted to suffocate her before I burst!
My frightened little girl just wanted to break free
To be left alone instead of hiding and hurting herself
To cope with her adoptive home.
But I gave her another option, to be held.
The teen, well that was harder, coz she took on all the pain.
She’s the one that was strong, cut up, self injured, over and over again.
She’s the one who took it all, was emotionally and mentally abused,
Was groomed and sexually exploited, spent her life confused.
The teen took all the punishment to protect the baby and child,
She lost her innocence by the time she was ten, her body truly defiled.
She felt disgusting and wanted to look the same.
The weight of her body to hold the hurt and excruciating pain.
Now I, the adult, hold her too, that vessel she no longer needs,
She is slowly letting go but it’s hard to feel free.
I’m showing her a new way, a life she never had
But safely now, she can’t get enough!
So if you see me running free, my red hair straggling behind me,
Having fun, smiling and laughing, singing, dancing and being a little risky
Come and join me, feeling the life, feeling the pain drain away
You now know why I am who I am, I can’t be any other way.
The parts of me are merging now
I'm taking them all in
The abandoned baby, frightened child
The abused and beaten teen.
I’m finally accepting now that these are parts of me
It’s taken half a century, they were so hard to see
Now I am an adult with open eyes
I can see where my inner self lies.
The abandoned baby cried so much I wanted to ignore her
She cried for her mummy, Oh, how that that hurt!
She tied me tight inside and gnawed at my heart
I wanted to suffocate her before I burst!
My frightened little girl just wanted to break free
To be left alone instead of hiding and hurting herself
To cope with her adoptive home.
But I gave her another option, to be held.
The teen, well that was harder, coz she took on all the pain.
She’s the one that was strong, cut up, self injured, over and over again.
She’s the one who took it all, was emotionally and mentally abused,
Was groomed and sexually exploited, spent her life confused.
The teen took all the punishment to protect the baby and child,
She lost her innocence by the time she was ten, her body truly defiled.
She felt disgusting and wanted to look the same.
The weight of her body to hold the hurt and excruciating pain.
Now I, the adult, hold her too, that vessel she no longer needs,
She is slowly letting go but it’s hard to feel free.
I’m showing her a new way, a life she never had
But safely now, she can’t get enough!
So if you see me running free, my red hair straggling behind me,
Having fun, smiling and laughing, singing, dancing and being a little risky
Come and join me, feeling the life, feeling the pain drain away
You now know why I am who I am, I can’t be any other way.
