On September 26th 2018, I started therapy that was to change my life.

Now, in my final weeks, my therapist suggested I write a letter to myself about my journey. Here it is.

Dear Kiz.

What a huge pile of ground-in dirt, damaged pieces  and crumbling mess you've had to crawl through to come out on top ... on top of 54 years of trauma so deeply ingrained that it affected everything you did, everything you said and every relationship you ever had with any person. 

You've braved looking at the baby you were. Little Tamsin Dawn, nurtured for a couple of weeks and then left to be adopted. You've cuddled and comforted her, mothered her and accepted her now. She doesn't need to still be searching for a mother. You've taken her into your soul to nurture forever. 

Then there was Kizzy! A spirited imp who fought like a tiger to survive the torment and abuse of her adoptive mother. You've been 'acting out' as Kizzy for years, 'Kizzy the Diddakoi',  hanging on to a children's TV programme in the hope of being free to live independently. What a fight to survive. Every bit of wit you have about you now Kiz, was Kizzy's hyper-sensitive survival mode in play. Every look from a passer by, everything a person said, every movement or utterance, Kizzy tuned into, to make sure she wouldn't be attacked and destroyed. It is great to see Kizzy resting now. She still drops in having a skittish moment now and then, brings a giggle to the table and plays. She can live the life she longed for now. Independent and safe. You've saved her Kiz. 

Hilary. What a name to have written openly here, yet a name you had for your whole childhood and teenage years Kiz, from being adopted until you finally got rid of your toxic adoptive parents, a full 30 years after being named. You hated that name when we started this therapy Kiz. You could hardly bear to speak it and it took until half way through your therapy before you would even acknowledge her. You are still working on actually liking her, but at least you are accepting of her and don't hate her anymore. You are not beating her up  and berating her any more. Be kind to her and always be mindful of the fact she was protecting you. Be compassionate to her Kiz, because you are so easily compassionate to others, but if anyone ever needed compassion, it's her. Hilary the teenager and young adult was controlled in the most appalling manner, likened to living in a cult, she looked after Tamsin and Kizzy in the only way she could, by taking the hurt and pain that was inflicted on her, into herself, so they (Tamsin and Kizzy) wouldn't be noticed and made vulnerable, they wouldn't suffer as she was. The sexual abuse and the messed up understanding of relationships was not her fault, but lessons she was taught and had to obey so as not to be killed. The self harming and suffering with chronic depression took its toll and made Hilary a sallow and dreary person, an oddity at school, an easy victim to bullies and a quiet, watchful and unobtrusive soul. She had to become your very own control freak ... watching everything around you intently, manoeuvring and swerving to try to stay safe and not get attacked. Of all of the parts of you Kiz, Hilary has been the hardest for you to accept. She still makes you angry sometimes. She still triggers self loathing and beats you down, but the more you come to terms with the fact she saved you Kiz, all parts of you, the easier your life will be. 

Since you've become Kiz, the adult, you've had to continue to battle your demons, the demons you thought were Hilary, but actually the very demons Hilary has been holding onto, so as not to spread to Tamsin and Kizzy. Now Kiz, you have taken those demons from Hilary and set them free. Hilary is not holding onto them anymore. She held them for far too many years and the toll has been enormous both physically and mentally. It's been really hard for her. She has been holding onto those demons for so many years and she sometimes grabs them back for a moment. Be mindful. Look after her. Its your turn to protect and let her have a life, let her now enjoy music and dancing, being out with friends and being creative ... all the things she was unable to do as she had to grow up so quickly. Let her enjoy her freedom, her time and uninfluenced thoughts. 

I'm proud of you Kiz. Really proud of the strength you have. Proud that you are finally understanding what equality in relationships and friendships are, putting in boundaries and finding stability.

Your diagnosed illness', the ones that brought you back to therapy, you know where they come from now, why they exist. Your brain was not nurtured and loved by your 'formal caregiver' as it should have been. You've grown up in a highly toxic, life threatened and dysfunctional state of being and your diagnosed illness' are a result of that. Your depression has all but gone. Yes, you get low days, days when the old demons come knocking, but you are no longer suicidal (you must be mindful each day and watch for those old demons though!). You have found some contentment in your life. The consistent pain you have in your body where it spent years being unreleased, now has an outlet. Your exhaustion will hopefully start to be alleviated, as you treat yourself more kindly and compassionately and take life at a more normal pace. Your new diagnosis of bipolar, well, we will see how that manifests, now that the desperately low and devastated Hilary and the manically highly anxious Kizzy are in a better frame of mind! 

Laugh Kiz. Enjoy your life. You have lots of years left. Enjoy the love you've found for Tamsin, the relieved laughter Kizzy can now have and the carefree life Hilary has in front of her. Keep all of those parts of yourself safe, close to you, because they are yours. No-one can ever harm them again. You are an adult now. You have the power over your own life to be in control of it. You will continue to get things wrong because you are human. You are allowed to be human now. You can't be hurt for just being alive anymore. Live.

I'm so very proud of you Kiz. You are now complete. 

A letter to the lady who 'patted me on the head' when I was in my wheelchair.

'I've done a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks about getting back in my wheelchair.

A few years ago, I used some of my mobility benefit to get an electric wheelchair so that I could get around. That wheelchair made so much difference in my life.

A male friend of mine told me 'The first time I met you I saw you zooming around in your wheelchair, your bright red hair blowing in the wind, a huge smile of your face and without doubt, I could tell just by the way you looked, a great zest for living!'.  I value that description of me because I found being in a wheelchair incredibly hard. I fought a battle between wanting to have the freedom to get around and do the things I wanted to do and feeling 'less of a woman'.

At the time of getting my wheelchair, I had come out of an almost coma-like existence after collapsing with M.E (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis). I had lost family and friends, a career, years of my life, hobbies and interests and basically everything my life had been. I had to start again. I was an empty book. I felt robbed and angry, frustrated and didn't know who I was anymore. My husband had managed quite well without me bringing up my son, so what exactly was my purpose in life? I battled against all the negative feelings that constantly engulfed me and eventually started to try to eek out a purpose for my life again ... something that would make me feel useful and part of society. 

It was a hard and painful journey, not least because I still had this debilitating illness, on top of a past of trauma and abuse and its resulting damaged mental health. 

Fast forwards a couple of years and I was used to being in my wheelchair, used to being stared at when I got on the bus as the wheelchair 'parks' facing all the other people on the bus! I was used to struggling to get in some shops and not able to access others. I was used to people looking at me as if I was a fake when I got out of my wheelchair and walked a short distance. I got used to it all, but, I never could quite get used to feeling feminine and a woman, whilst in my wheelchair, especially after my marriage ended and I was single again. Little did I know I was going to feel worse than not just being a woman, I was going to feel like I wasn't even human! Little did I know, I was going to meet YOU! 

I was in the High Street in Barnstaple, North Devon one day, with my friend who had described me in the beautiful way above. We'd got into a conversation with you, a woman a little older than myself, while my friend  stopped for a rest at a bench. At the end of the perfectly normal conversation that you'd had (mainly with my friend), you looked at my him and said 'It was nice to meet you. Goodbye'. Then you turned to me, looked down and patted me on the head and walked away!

Yes, you actually patted me on the head! 

I was too dumbstruck to do or say anything at that moment. My friend and I just looked at each other incredulously. 'Did that actually just happen?'. I was shocked and then the anger set in, anger I'm afraid to say I still hold. Anger at your disrespect and total ignorance.

If you only knew how that one action would affect my life. 

I came out of my wheelchair not long afterwards, as soon as I could. I shut myself away back at home and only ever went out in the car, parking up where I needed to go, where I didn't need to walk. I have not been back into the town much over the last year or two ... its too difficult to walk. I've not  shopped, been round the pubs with friends, had nights out or done anything 'social' much. 

Now though, I'm in a position to change. I'm done with not being able to go into town, shop, go to the pub with friends and get around more freely. I have to face the fact that however much my physical and mental health has improved, I still can't walk more than a few yards without having to stop and rest and I feel exhausted. 

I've chatted to people about it over the last few weeks ... this dilemma that I want to be able to enjoy all aspects of my life and to do that, I need to use my wheelchair again. I've taken one step though ... charged it up! 

People have said to me 'Do you see so-and-so as less of a person because they are in a wheelchair?' and I've replied 'No'. I've seen video's of incredibly brave children who have no choice but to be in a wheelchair, just 'getting on with their lives', and I feel guilty about my 'hang-up'. I've seen videos of adults too, sporting, working and doing well, being themselves in spite of their difficulties. I've chatted to a friend who uses her chair as a 'tool' to get around too, but I'm sorry to say, and ashamed to say, I'm still struggling with my pride, because you not only took my self esteem, you took the mild semblance of womanhood I was hanging on to.

So, what is pride? It is used as a terribly negative word but is it totally bad? Is it arrogance or is it self esteem? 

I think it is a bit of both. I don't think I have a high opinion of myself, but I do need to have some self esteem because its something I've had to fight for many years to achieve. I certainly don't think of myself as any better than anyone else or have a high opinion of myself, but I do want to be seen as a valid person and woman in society. I think a bit of angry arrogance has helped me survive my childhood and times in my adult life, so I don't think its all bad. My experience with you though, ultimately showed me that my validity when I'm in a wheelchair is less than if I'd been standing up. How dreadful. I know its your (and many other peoples) prejudice and ignorance and not my own personal opinion of people in wheelchairs, but it blights my opinion of myself, because whether I like it or not, my history has made me a person that validates myself through other people. It's something I fight to change, and its slowly happening, but not soon enough. 

One day soon, I will have to get in that wheelchair and on the bus into town. I want all the wonderful positive experiences my wheelchair will bring to my social life, but I'm dreading that day too. Dreading that bus journey being looked at with people lowering their gaze to their laps as they are as embarrassed having to look at me too. I'm dreading people talking down to me, as I struggle enough to feel valid when I'm standing up!

Most of all though, I'm dreading meeting another YOU, you ignorant woman, who put me down and treated me like a dog, in front of my friend. 

Without any doubt in my mind now, CBD oil has significantly reduced my aches and pains.

I have greatly reduced stress stiffness and pain in my shoulders and the back of my neck, now only twinges and aches in my lower back rather than pain, my diagnosed 'stiff shoulder' feels so relieved from the pain its wonderful. The shoulder is still 'stiff' and I can't move my arm higher than my shoulder, but the pain isn't there. I no longer get the nightmare 'toothache in my hip' and at the moment just still experience restless leg and minor cramps. 

This whole reduction in pain has helped me have more time in my life. Not having to spend hours just 'coping' with the pain and also being able to sleep a whole night for the first time in years, has given me brain space. My 'brain fog', another dreadful symptom of M.E, has also reduced and I feel I have a much clearer mind. 

It's strange though ... I have no extra energy at all, but I believe I am being led on a journey where ...
i) I experience pain relief and so have new  'time' in my life  
ii) I am relieved of brain fog and so have 'time' to think about what I want to do with my new time.
iii) I believe I will gain more energy and so be able to physically do a little more with my new time. 
iv) I will be able to walk a little better and have the energy to do totally new things with my newly found time.
v) I'm going to get a life again! 

I feel positive and hesitantly and cautiously optimistic that I have a future ahead of me. 
My mental health has improved dramatically, but I believe this was mainly due to the amazing therapy I've almost completed, which I will blog about soon. The CBD oil journey though, added to my therapy at the right time, has without doubt had a bigger impact than it would have done otherwise. The two, timely being put together (not at all planned), will no doubt give me such a great head start on part 3 of my life (part 1 being childhood, part 2 being family life/marriage/children), the time for me to go off and do what I want to, no holds barred, 'matured, free and single'. 

Has CBD been a factor in your life changing? I would like to hear about it if you are willing to share in the comments. 

One week in and I've already experienced some changes.

The main noticeable difference is my improved sleep, because the pain I usually suffer in the night has considerably reduced. I would usually wake every few hours when I turned around, turning because I was experiencing a 'toothache' gnawing pain in my hips or pain in my neck, leg cramps or pain in my diagnosed 'stiff shoulder'. 

The pain and discomfort from these  has completely disappeared, enabling me to sleep through the night and usually in one position.

Now, I am not claiming 'cure' yet because as many know, people with fibromyalgia and M.E are prone to flares and distinct changes in patterns of pain and discomfort, however, I am loving my sleep and I'm loving the relief from this night time pain and I look forward to seeing if this relief continues.

I've had a few restful days with the Bank Holiday Easter weekend but I am back to a busy day tomorrow. I'm interested to see if I can cope better at all. At the moment I am still aching during the day and have weak muscle strength but I am not suffering with any acute pain. I have not done much moving about (I can usually not walk more than 20 metres without pain or discomfort or having to rest) but will be more active at the place I volunteer tomorrow and Thursday. 

One place I have not seen any reduction in discomfort is the cramp I have in my hands, the stiff and sore joints. Perhaps this is not a symptom of my fibromyalgia, but something else. Time will tell. 

Let me know your CBD story in the comments. I look forward to hearing your experiences. 

18.04.19
I am struggling to describe how I feel because it is one big contradiction! 

My brain is alert, my eyes clear, my senses tuned in and my body feels like it is 'cleansing', all positive stuff, but this enormous white (not dark and depressing) cloud envelops me like I need to lay down in its warm and fluffy cocoon and sleep. I can't stop yawning ... full yawns ... not the little ones that slip out when you are a bit tired and you don't want to look rude, and my eyes gently want to close. 

What a lovely feeling if I was at home and didn't have to stay awake all day! I could see this working wonders for me really, sleeping when I wanted and when I'm awake being so alert I can do anything, but its not practical for me most days. I need to find a balance ...but I think this oil will find its balance for me. I'm in a nicely relaxed state of being so I'm not going to worry about it after just a few days. 

As I am so tired, it makes walking hard, but due to the exhaustion rather than pain. The pain has nicely evaporated into that warm and fluffy place so now I just feel achy.

​19.04.19 

Oh I slept so much better last night and felt quite wide awake this morning, rather than the continual 'snooze button' until I can finally rouse myself from my M.E stupor. 

Again an achy and tiring day but a clear head. I've read a novel over the last two days and feel positive and relaxed.

I would like to hear your experiences of CBD oil  too so please do comment below if you have any tips and a story to encourage others. Thanks. Kizzy

15.04.19
My son dragged me into the CBD shop, exhausted and tired. I didn't want to go. I knew I was too vulnerable, shattered and that I would cry the minute they asked what was wrong ... 
... and I did!

To be fair, the shop manager was great (alongside his lovely assistant who came round and gave me a hug-she asked first) and he didn't actually ask me about my diagnosis, he asked me what it was I wanted to change. What was giving me the most bother and what I wanted to alleviate in my body.

'I just want to be able to walk' I told him.

He listened to my ailments, my aches and pains, and told me his story and stories of other people who have found CBD oil has helped them. He let me try some while there, a sample, then I went for a walk to see if I could feel any effect at all. I walked out of the shop saying to myself  'I won't be fooled into noticing a placebo effect'. 

I went for a short walk as I can't go far. This was to get my heart pumping and the oil around my body a bit faster. I can truly say it definitely took the edge of a particularly nasty pain in my knee, which was nice, but then I told him 'I'm not sure if this is really a thing, but I can see clearer, with more sharpness'. It wasn't anything he had mentioned at all, within other peoples stories or anything, but it was noticeable to me. My general aches and pains were no different, but this was a definite change. As we continued to talk about the different ways to take CBD I felt a sharp pain next to my eye, so sharp I said 'ouch'. He asked 'Is it a shooting pain?' I said 'Yes' and he told me it was the CBD working on my optic nerves.

After being given some CBD lollies, I bought my bottle of 1000 (33mg per serving) CBD oil and off I went home to rest. 

So, here's the first day of my journey. I thought I would blog about it because its so difficult to remember 'how I was', and I truly want you to see the change in me if it happens and the journey along the way, to give you some hope and encouragement if you need it, should it work. 

16.04.19 
I slept really well last night. I don't usually. I usually wake 3 or 4 times in the night but I had about 6 hours of unbroken sleep, which was a godsend for me. I haven't had any noticeably less pain today but this process takes 6-8 weeks to get fully activated into your system. One thing that was noticeable though was my brain feeling clear. I have updated my web page and was able to spend time on paperwork. To be fair this process has been becoming easier since I started pain management EMDR with my clinical psychologist, another little interlude to write about, but still, every little boost helps. 

17.04.19
I slept another great sleep last night ... about 6 hours and then I slept another 2 hours. Wonderful ... but I am absolutely exhausted. When I say exhausted, I don't mean M.E (chronic fatigue) exhausted, I mean every single part of my physical body feeling weak and unable to gain energy. I have had M.E for over 10 years and this exhaustion is in a league of its own and markedly different. Being able to describe this 'difference' is where I will struggle but I will try.

My legs felt weak, like I had no strength in the muscles to hold them up, my whole body gently ached (not just my usual fibro back, shoulders, neck, hips etc), but not 'painfully'. My legs felt like jelly when I walked and, yes, that's it, I felt like jelly .... ultra relaxed. There was a strangely comfortable, relaxed state to the weakness that was pleasant, like sinking between a warm, soft, fleecy blanket on a cold day. I couldn't keep my eyes open and when I got home from an appointment I had to keep, I had to sleep. I slept 2 hours, waking to my alarm as I don't want to mess my sleep up tonight. I have woken again with my brain feeling clear and the edge of the exhaustion. 

When I woke I rang through to the shop that supplied my CBD oil. They said to ring anytime or pop in if I had any questions. The assistant I had seen on my first day reminded me that they had told me that the CBD will make my body do whatever it 'needs' to do naturally, crave food it needs and will I suppose put my body back into control of itself instead of my 'self' determining what happens to my body (which for me can be comfort eating and over-exerting myself in the need to feel 'normal'). I guess my body needed sleep. My head was saying ' but I don't want to sleep more. I want to get rid of the exhaustion and tiredness' .. BUT ... I can FEEL it is a different type of tiredness, perhaps the tiredness a baby has when it just drops off to sleep. A whole unique feeling to be honest, so I'm just going to go with it. As I was told, it takes weeks to fully connect in your system so I can expect some changes, possible side effects and so on ... I know I'm looking forward to a good nights sleep, that's for sure!  Will let you know how it goes.