It is not a placebo or a fantasy. CBD oil has changed my life in ways that I could never have made up or even considered when starting this journey into well-being.

I went in to buy the CBD oil with my son, six weeks ago, after he'd had enough of seeing me in pain, with the torment it brought because of the lack of a quality of life I so dearly wanted but couldn't have.

I am, as you will see from previous blogs about mental health and therapy, 'a total sceptic with an open mind!' I thought that I may feel a bit less pain if I was lucky and this oil actually did something like a painkiller, but little did I know it would change my whole outlook on life. 

My outlook was always full of hope. I've always tried hard to look to the future, hoping that I will soon be able to do more and through continued effort, improve my illness through my own bloody mindedness and sheer hard work when delving into my mental health via therapy or mindfulness. 

I was told that it takes about six weeks for the CBD to start to alter and 'balance' your body. 

The first striking difference was almost immediate, with a clarity of vision. I wear glasses but my eyes with them on are pretty good. I could suddenly see more clearly though, a very difficult thing to describe when you thought you saw clearly before! There was a 'sharpness' to what I saw, a clearness and clarity that blew my mind! 

Secondly, my brain fog, a horrendous symptom of M.E and fibromyalgia, almost completely disappeared. Over the years since my diagnosis with these illness', I have had periods of time when my thoughts have been clear and my mind able to work, but these episodes were short and spread thinly throughout the year. Now, all of a sudden, I can write, create, think clearly, manage my finances, plan days out and travel! I can actually live! My mind is playing its full part of my being now! 

I worried that my mind would become my tormentor, that with my new found clear thinking, I would feel so let down by my body that I would become more depressed.

Thankfully, although very slowly, my body is starting to adjust and change too. The pain I had, caused mainly from fibromyalgia (pain in nerve endings all over your body), decreased to aches and twinges, rather than the belting forceful sharp strikes of pain that want to send you screaming through the roof or the numbing toothache-like deep bone pain that I've suffered with for seven years. There have been two significant areas in my body where my pain has decreased. Firstly in the back of my neck, across my shoulders on my back and my shoulder blades to the front. The pain reduced, I can now move my neck without it creaking and straining, the stiffness having come out of it. The second physical pain reduction has been in my back and hip area. Two years ago I was in a wheelchair. Now I can walk a short distance with no walking stick, only a short distance still at the moment, but with no stick! My walking stick is significant because I get excruciating back ache that permeates down one hip and thigh, causing me to walk bent to the side with a limp. My walking stick helps to hold me up on that side when I'm walking. Now, I can walk with my back straight as the pain has gone. After a short walk (for me a short walk is probably about 50 steps) I can feel an ache in my back start and I stop and rest. I never expected a miracle, but when I went into the shop I bought the CBD oil and was asked what I wanted from the oil and replied 'I just want to be able to walk like a normal person', little did I know that just six weeks later I would be able to walk, albeit a very short distance still, without my walking stick, upright, with no pain.

So, the future. I have lots of work still to do to continue to improve. 
My mental health has improved just because of my pain reduction and the resulting ability to get out, visit friends, go to the pub and listen to my favourite bands again and generally take part in life again. 
I have been reading that 'Your gut is your second brain', an interesting read and source of my next huge challenge. I have to get some of the weight off that has come with years of being bedridden and inactive, eating the wrong food and generally not caring about myself enough to care what went into my body. Now, alongside the CBD oil helping to clear and regulate my gut, I need to support it (the CBD) to work. This is my next focus.

​We have to work hard to keep moving forwards. Nobody said life would be, is, or should be, easy. Life has been a battle for me from the day I was conceived. It will remain a battle until I die, but now, at least I can have a better quality of life and some fun while I'm waiting! 

https://www.wakingtimes.com/2018/11/06/your-gut-is-your-second-brain

Five weeks in and I'm astonished at the difference CBD oil has made to my life! 

My first clear change, a distinctly changed sharpness in my sight, has stayed with me. I thought it might fade, along with my new found clarity of thought, as my body got used to the oil, but it hasn't at all.

I was told that the CBD will reboot my body in 6 weeks and I can feel it. Subtle changes as well as the big enormous ones. When I first visited the shop for my oil I was in a low place and in a great deal of pain. Everything hurt with my fibromyalgia, my shoulders and neck, back, hips and knees and oh hell, I was just so tired. I was exhausted. When the shop owner asked what I wanted from the oil I told him all I wanted was to be able to walk. I wanted to be rid of the pain and exhaustion so that I could just walk like a 'normal' person.

Today I think I walked further than I have for years with no pain (according to Google Maps 0.1 miles). I had parked up and managed to walk down to the beach, resting for half an hour and then returning to my car. Just as I got back to the car my back started to shout at me that I'd done enough, but, I'd walked, slowly yes, and with my walking stick as I was on the sand, but without pain. 

It was a short distance but 'pain free' gives me hope. I have hope that I will walk gradually further and further before pain kicks in. Small steps but they actually feel huge because of the difference I feel! 

I can see a future now. I'm hoping to go abroad next year to help at a medical clinic in Africa. I need to be fitter to do it. I need to not be a burden to the very people I want to go and help. Now I can see this future as a real possibility, 

I was so reluctant to spend my money on this oil. When you have to watch what you spend you have to be so careful, but it's a life changer. Don't hesitate any more. If you are considering getting some, go ahead, but please, spend time researching where to go and avoid the oil in chain stores and chemists as the oil is often not as strong. See if you have a local hemp specialist shop in your area. 

My apologies. I missed my '4 weeks on CBD oil' day yesterday because I am so busy having a life!!!! 

Over the last two weeks I've become a Godmother and I've seen my brand new grandson and my other grandchildren. I'm so proud of the mother my daughter has become 'despite me' and my son, well, he is going from strength to strength and looks like he has landed a fantastic job in security.

I'm so happy and content. I know my change in mood and mental health, the strength I've found in myself to build boundaries and my lack of stress is a mix of the therapy and the oil, but I'm not worried about being unable to tell which has affected which parts of me. I think I started taking the oil at the right time, a time when I'd come to the end of my pain management psychology therapy when my mind was open and ready to embrace a change.

Physically I have no stress at the back of my shoulders or neck, no pain in my back unless I walk too far, I have got up and out of bed EVERY DAY, a huge thing for me! My M.E and fibromyalgia kept me curled up in bed in misery and pain at least three days a week still up until I started the CBD oil. I still cannot walk any further, but at least I am not in pain the short distances I'm managing any more.

This week, I have been up every day, freshened up or showered and dressed. I spend time 'resting' still, every day, but I'm up, sat on my bed reading, watching the birds feeding outside my window, listening to music or motivational video's, creating, writing or I'm out with friends, having coffee and cake or lunch, drumming or listening to bands. I'm having a life that's full of well-being ( and not in an ill, manic state) for the first time in my life. No, honestly, I really do mean the first time in my life! Depression and un-diagnosed bipolar have blighted my whole life (and my children's) but now I'm stable and content. I never thought I could be in this state of mind. Its truly such a relief. When I started my therapy I felt I'd lost my magic when I lost my mania. I'd enjoyed that highly excitable state of mind that let me feel free and let me do anything I wanted to without thinking about the consequences... but it was dangerous and disastrous. I never thought I could enjoy myself in anything but that state, but have found I really can enjoy life without the mania now, without the added alcohol and prescription drug mix!

I'm still working on myself. Years of depression and comfort eating, lack of exercise as I cannot walk far and muscle fatigue, have left me over-weight and with a distorted sense of my body. I'm working on this with my physiotherapist. Hydrotherapy and groups will move me forward, as will the continued support of friends and the very real future of travel in sight ahead of me. I have places to go and people abroad to see and I feel confident that I will get to a point where I may have to use my walking stick still, but I will be able to walk further and will be able to enjoy going to different places. 

I have real, tangible, touchable hope now. I'ts been a long journey, that will never end, but its one that is finally getting easier. 

Listen to Ed Sheeran 'Save Myself'. 

Life changing.
Definitely a 'quality of life' change.

Clarity and creativity, reduced pain and tenderness and that brings the slight increase in energy to do more, because pain itself is incredibly demoralising and disabling.
I have enjoyed my clearness of mind the most. I can blog and write and have so much less brain fog. I am sleeping better and am just finding life a whole lot easier. 

Yesterday I was able to go to a Christening, was up at 8.30 am, showered and did my hair (always exhausting), out to church for Christening then on to the party and managed to last until about 3.30 pm. A seven hour day for me is astonishing, especially as I didn't get to bed until 3.30 am the previous night and so had just 5 hours sleep, as I pick my son up from work late. 

I'm only half way into the initial 6 week CBD re-boot. I cant wait to see what life is like in another 3 weeks time! 

You know when you see people posting on social media and they make 'something' look so simple to do, especially if it is something that is without doubt positive and rewarding, and you know others would give everything to have that opportunity you are being given, but you, despite all logical thought, know that 'something' is going to be excruciatingly difficult for you, maybe not even possible, despite the positive consequences? Well, this happened to me this week. 

 Hydrotherapy. Yes, hydrotherapy!

Why so scary when I'm not afraid of water, but long to spend hours swimming in the sea and to be able to go swimming in my local pool? 

Body image. That's my problem. It's not vanity, but years of sexual and physical abuse, years of disgust at my own body, years of self harm, years of shame and years of disowning my own physical body to survive.

Thing is though, that I've been to therapy. I've been working for the last seven months at working to bring together the separated parts of my 'self' (which you can read about in my previous blog 'A letter to me'), which included me 'owning' my physical body and all the feelings that brings forward, for the first time in my life.

Now, I'm nowhere near accepting my body. No way near. I still struggle with feelings of repulsion and disgust but, the EMDR work I have done with my health psychologist and the joined up work with my physiotherapist, has meant that its time to start on my next big challenge. 

So, I walked into the hydrotherapy room and fear found my belly. To be truthful, that fear found my belly when I woke up that morning and my IBS that has been totally quiet for months decided to rear its ugly head!

I had 'seen' the pool on my previous preparation visit so was prepared in that sense, but I stood there looking at the pool and felt 100 miles away from actually 'getting into it'. Despite my fear though, I also felt strangely calm in the rest of my body, but waves of doubt and weakness washed over me and I felt drowned by them. 

As I think about it now, the thoughts and feelings I had were akin to having an EMDR session in my head.

I started by thinking 'Look at it. Its a pool. Water that's warm and you long to get into. You know you want to swim  again. You know you've got a terrible back pain that could be relieved by this. You know that so many people would love to be in your position right this minute, and have this opportunity. You know that the previous session was a group of people in the pool and you are wasting everyone's time and resources by being here, just you on your own, when 2 or 3 other people could be in here. You know that this is your one opportunity because if you don't do it today, you know you will never do it and will walk away. You know that if you don't get in you are going to be furious! 

As I would though the EMDR process, I went with the feelings and was able to work through them as I stood with my physiotherapist, looking at the pool. He was so patient. I knew he had read reports from my psychologist, understood the work I'd been doing and we had met on a couple of occasions previously, so I put my trust in him there and then. I swore as the feelings ran through me. I felt rushes of courage and then swathes of negativity wrap themselves around me, taking me prisoner. Then determination stripped bear that negativity and in its place frustration at my inability to make myself function as I wanted to, despite my logical brain fighting to push me forwards. 

I had the discussion as to whether any part my difficulty getting undressed and into the pool was about my physio being male...

'Male Physio' reasoning in my brain right then - 'Hell, my body is disgusting but he is a professional and you've had children and know that 'medical people' don't see 'bodies' as sexual (even though your physio is 'lush!'). He's seen so many people of all shapes and sizes he wont bat an eyelid'. 

'Female Physio' reasoning in my brain right then - ' Its hard enough doing this without the added complication of feeling inadequate as a woman, weak, pathetic and childish!' 

As I worked through the feelings and 'voiced' them, anger swept through me. Strangely for me though, not anger at my disgusting body for being attached to me, but anger that I might fail to get into the pool. I am not sure I've ever experienced my own anger as a 'positive' feeling. It was a force that pushed its way through into my logical brain and said 'Now's your chance girl. Don't blow this. You are the strongest woman I know. You can do this. You will be really pissed off if you don't do it. Don't let yourself down or I will be furious!'

'Get over it!', I told myself. I hate that phrase because it negates the severity of a situation so often, but nevertheless, this is what I needed to hear from myself. 

I asked the physio to go into his office (he could hear me if I slipped, needed him or got into trouble) and I marched my body to the changing cubicle, made myself get undressed (swimming costume already on and wearing my t-shirt) and I walked to the pool.

I got in and sank into the warm water. It was wonderful! I felt a little detached for a moment or two, having to catch up with myself that I'd actually just spent the last few seconds of my life walking into that pool! My astonishment at my achievement dawning on me, I giggled and couldn't stop smiling. My physio came to the door of the office and sat on a chair. What a wonderful insightful person. He knew that if he came to the side of the pool or stood even back a bit against the office door, I would still have struggled as he could have seen the whole of me in the pool. 
 
As it was he let me 'wallow' in my pride in myself. I moved about and felt the warmth in every part of my body. Still a little conscious when I lay back and my big fat legs rose to the surface, I continued moving around. I concentrated my mind and let myself 'attach' a moment of stillness, enveloping warmth, relaxation and contentment to what I was doing. Then I let the joy back in, feeling the comfort of moving my body so freely and (dare I say) gracefully, without pain. I 'walked' along the pool with ease. I can't really describe how utterly happy and thrilled I felt!

​I did it. Another victory and a step towards making my back and other muscles stronger, in the hope that I will be able to walk better and 'upright', grow stamina and fulfil my dream to be able to travel without the pain and discomfort I've experienced in the last ten years.

Thank you Kate, my health psychologist and Chris, my physio. Thank you to the mental health wellbeing/pain management team at NDDH for providing a joined up service that for me, is working so well. Thank you. I have a future now.