Well, the easiest way I can describe what 'a soul' is, is to try to describe to you what and where mine is.
It's obviously 'inside' your body somewhere, but can't be seen - is a physical feeling, emotional feeling, a knowledge at a moment in time.....and I personally believe my soul, is my spirit, the part of me that lives on when I die, in the next place.
I used to feel my soul, but not realise what it was, when....
....I was a little girl and did something (not very) wrong and waited for the telling off/smack/ burning bath or hot-wheel track whack on my leg (fear, panic, scared, butterflies, stomach ache)
....I stole one grape from outside the local greengrocers for a dare with my school friends and felt the hand of the shopkeeper on my shoulder (blind absolute panic, anxiety, diarrhoea!)
... my next door neighbour and best friend finally came out to play when I had watched out the window for her for what seemed like hours as I wasn't allowed to call for her (warmth, relief, realisation, kinship)
...when I felt so lost and alone on my birthday knowing my birth mother was out there somewhere and couldn't help but think of me too on that special day (deep loneliness, alone)
...when I posted my very first home-made Valentine card through the front door of my first crush and he did not ever know it was me that sent it....and he died of leukaemia before the next Valentines Day came round (sadness, deep dark black loss)
...when I had an argument with my adoptive brother about searching for my birth family when I was old enough and walked into the park in distress and I pleaded with God 'If you really exist PLEASE do something to show me' and I turned round, after waiting half an hour, ready to leave the park and over my head was the most beautiful clear rainbow I have ever to this day seen (desperation, tears, wonder)
...I became so despairingly ill I thought my young daughter would be better off with her alcoholic father than me (crushing anguish, worthlessness, failure, weak)
....I got that gut wrenching fear in the pit of my stomach that ached while I waited for my ex-husband to stagger in, in a stupefied mess, scared about whether he would hit me or collapse asleep (fear, palpitations, rigid pain)
... that place in my body swelled so big it felt like it would burst through my chest when I saw my son in a school play, brave enough to have one speaking line (pride, happiness)
...when I felt the huge responsibility of life disappear when my best friend came to my rescue when I had given up the fight (relinquishment, relief, sobbing)
...when I looked at my daughter becoming a woman, knowing that I had given her an unstable and devastating childhood (guilt)
Get the idea now?
I could go on and tell you many more examples from before I realised what and where my soul was, but in most of those examples, my soul was almost totally enclosed by this wall of fear, self-loathing and anger and the tiny part inside had no chance of being felt or grown...it was too unsafe then. My soul was this big, black, dark, lonely, painful hole in the middle of my body, my stomach and gut. Your soul may have centred around your head, giving you migraines in the tenseness of your neck and upper spine.....perhaps your soul was from your heart, full of a loving family life, and it helps you deal with life now?....perhaps you could tell us?
After many years of working on my self esteem, gaining a (tiny!) bit of confidence and learning (just an even tinier bit of) trust, I was gradually able to take the wall of hurt down.
Now my soul is MINE, can't be hurt as safely INSIDE and PROTECTED by ME. I can let any experience I WANT fill my soul and shut any others out! Sometimes its hard....when you have lived a certain way for many many years, its easy to let those slippery little weeds sneak back in, but I soon uproot them and grow beautiful flowers in that soil, watch them grow in the sunshine of my soul, let the wind gently breeze through - my spirit and the birds sing because they are happy I am free! I have placed all those lovely things in my soul, and all the time I am growing my beautiful garden in my soul, filling it with different colours, senses and beauty........
I can't carry on now because my soul is so full of gratitude that I cant' concentrate!!!!!
I'm sure I will be back soon xxx
Peace x Tamsin.
It's obviously 'inside' your body somewhere, but can't be seen - is a physical feeling, emotional feeling, a knowledge at a moment in time.....and I personally believe my soul, is my spirit, the part of me that lives on when I die, in the next place.
I used to feel my soul, but not realise what it was, when....
....I was a little girl and did something (not very) wrong and waited for the telling off/smack/ burning bath or hot-wheel track whack on my leg (fear, panic, scared, butterflies, stomach ache)
....I stole one grape from outside the local greengrocers for a dare with my school friends and felt the hand of the shopkeeper on my shoulder (blind absolute panic, anxiety, diarrhoea!)
... my next door neighbour and best friend finally came out to play when I had watched out the window for her for what seemed like hours as I wasn't allowed to call for her (warmth, relief, realisation, kinship)
...when I felt so lost and alone on my birthday knowing my birth mother was out there somewhere and couldn't help but think of me too on that special day (deep loneliness, alone)
...when I posted my very first home-made Valentine card through the front door of my first crush and he did not ever know it was me that sent it....and he died of leukaemia before the next Valentines Day came round (sadness, deep dark black loss)
...when I had an argument with my adoptive brother about searching for my birth family when I was old enough and walked into the park in distress and I pleaded with God 'If you really exist PLEASE do something to show me' and I turned round, after waiting half an hour, ready to leave the park and over my head was the most beautiful clear rainbow I have ever to this day seen (desperation, tears, wonder)
...I became so despairingly ill I thought my young daughter would be better off with her alcoholic father than me (crushing anguish, worthlessness, failure, weak)
....I got that gut wrenching fear in the pit of my stomach that ached while I waited for my ex-husband to stagger in, in a stupefied mess, scared about whether he would hit me or collapse asleep (fear, palpitations, rigid pain)
... that place in my body swelled so big it felt like it would burst through my chest when I saw my son in a school play, brave enough to have one speaking line (pride, happiness)
...when I felt the huge responsibility of life disappear when my best friend came to my rescue when I had given up the fight (relinquishment, relief, sobbing)
...when I looked at my daughter becoming a woman, knowing that I had given her an unstable and devastating childhood (guilt)
Get the idea now?
I could go on and tell you many more examples from before I realised what and where my soul was, but in most of those examples, my soul was almost totally enclosed by this wall of fear, self-loathing and anger and the tiny part inside had no chance of being felt or grown...it was too unsafe then. My soul was this big, black, dark, lonely, painful hole in the middle of my body, my stomach and gut. Your soul may have centred around your head, giving you migraines in the tenseness of your neck and upper spine.....perhaps your soul was from your heart, full of a loving family life, and it helps you deal with life now?....perhaps you could tell us?
After many years of working on my self esteem, gaining a (tiny!) bit of confidence and learning (just an even tinier bit of) trust, I was gradually able to take the wall of hurt down.
Now my soul is MINE, can't be hurt as safely INSIDE and PROTECTED by ME. I can let any experience I WANT fill my soul and shut any others out! Sometimes its hard....when you have lived a certain way for many many years, its easy to let those slippery little weeds sneak back in, but I soon uproot them and grow beautiful flowers in that soil, watch them grow in the sunshine of my soul, let the wind gently breeze through - my spirit and the birds sing because they are happy I am free! I have placed all those lovely things in my soul, and all the time I am growing my beautiful garden in my soul, filling it with different colours, senses and beauty........
I can't carry on now because my soul is so full of gratitude that I cant' concentrate!!!!!
I'm sure I will be back soon xxx
Peace x Tamsin.
