The single piece of knowledge that I have learnt for myself in this journey of self discovery, that has made the most difference, is this.

Open your senses to what is around you and 'life' will fill your soul.

You see, for most of my life I have been so self centred that I couldn't see past what was inside of me.
I used to be a great listener, advice giver and 'so-called' friend, BUT, I realised a while ago that I only really did those things to make MYSELF feel good, worthy and righteous. Of course I didn't know it at the time.

I don't really blame myself for the way I was then. I grew up in a world of fear as a child and had to
concentrate on staying safe and looking after myself, and so it would naturally follow that as I grew up, I continued to do everything I could to stop myself being hurt, rejected, manipulated, taken advantage of and destroyed. Of course many people get hurt, rejected, manipulated, taken advantage of and feel destroyed at some point in their lives, but I couldn't afford it to happen to me again, not after losing my birth mother when I was born.  

Immunisation

When a person is vaccinated, their body produces an immune response in the same way their body would after exposure to a disease, but without the person suffering symptoms of the disease. When a person comes in contact with that disease in the future, their immune system will respond fast enough to prevent the disease taking hold.
 
I immunised myself against the world.
I took all of the awful things that happened to me and put them inside my soul in the hope that I would know and recognise them quickly and be immune to being hurt again.

Trouble was, I had so much inside of me that sometimes the loathing overflowed and I cut myself to ease the pressure. The pressure ceased for a while, but the scars remained.

For so long I concentrated on this manner of protecting myself that I stopped seeing what else was going on around me.

So, what changed?

I saw a little bit of the world for the first time! 
I travelled abroad and came across a poverty stricken country where I had no option but to see and feel new experiences. My senses overflowed with life and energy!

Suddenly, instead of internal hatred and self loathing I felt my soul filling with compassion, tenderness, concern and I laughed ..... something I hadn't done for a long time!

As these new experiences grew stronger, some of the horrible stuff had to be thrown out to make room for them. Once that door had opened and I talked to people about my new experiences, I started to share with my community, my friends and family, and little by little they seeped into my soul too....no longer was I
full of self loathing and fear....I had experienced a little bit of the world and  loved it! It excited me, it made me feel LOVED, and sharing these thoughts showed me the people in my life who were real, who enjoyed seeing me happy and excited...a roller coaster that couldn't be stopped....a life!

Now I was seeing and sensing everything...after 40+ years the world was in front of me......and my souls door open for the light to stream in and fill it with hope for the future. I still have my 'protection' standing there at the door to my soul to look after me , but it no longer makes me claustrophobic and fearful. It is there ready to just step in when needed, leaving my soul free to be open and warmed all day long.

Do you know where YOUR soul is?

I woke up feeling GRATEFUL today!

'It doesn't matter how low, in pain or lonely you feel - there is always someone worse off' - that's what people say isn't it.....makes us feel so selfish for feeling our own pain......
The problem is.....how can you SEE that, TRIGGER that thought, when you are in the depths of despair?
It is not selfishness that stops us seeing people who are worse off at that time in our lives.
I think, having been there myself, that it is almost impossible to think about other people you don't know when you are in that place.

That is why I am grateful.
I am grateful that in growing my SOUL, right now, I can prepare and savour my gratitude for the things I have in my life, so that should I ever be in that place again (which is a real possibility as I suffer from chronic depression) I have the gratitude in my soul already, as an integral part of me.

So what am I so grateful for? Well, I am OBVIOUSLY grateful for my family etc etc and all the usual things we are grateful for-and that is not meant to sound flippant- but in times of deep distress, I am glad for one time in my life which will forever stay in my soul.

I was in Panama.....how I got there is a long story and one for another day....but one day, I was taken to visit a family, who lived in a little shack in the rural area outside town. The family were so lovely. Mum, partially blind, their two toddlers and baby, and dad, a weed-whacker (as they call gardeners).

This family had NOTHING....and I really mean NOTHING, materially.
>Their wooden shack was collapsing and dad was too weak to fix it up and raise the roof on his own.
>There was little light indoors as windows would mean holes in the walls where cold and rain could come       in.
>Everything indoors would be done in the dark unless they were lucky enough to be able to afford oil for 
  their lamp.
>They had a little area closed off to sleep in.
>They washed and toileted in the stream nearby - very cold in the tropical rainy season.
> Mum wore an eight year olds pair of jeans as shorts as she had no clothes (and when they had been
   washed, they took so long to dry that she couldn't go out for days as these were her only clothes). 
>They had little food and what they had fed the children -both parents were frail and thin where they ate
   little.

You know what this family had though that was worth everything in the world- LOVE. Those parents loved and adored each other and the children. They were GRATEFUL for every little thing they were given. They were respectful, never asked for anything, were polite and would offer food to share if they had any.

So when times are tough and I cant buy a bar of chocolate I want at the moment I SOOOoooooo want it, I remember the family. I have taken the family into my SOUL. I will never forget them and am grateful for the love they showed me-the love of life, of relationships, of respecting and using natures gifts. I have a picture of them on my wall. I am grateful for everything I have.

Well, the easiest way I can describe what 'a soul' is, is to try to describe to you what and where mine is.
It's obviously 'inside' your body somewhere, but can't be seen - is a physical feeling, emotional feeling, a knowledge at a moment in time.....and I personally believe my soul, is my spirit, the part of me that lives on when I die, in the next place.

I used to feel my soul, but not realise what it was, when....

....I was a little girl and did something (not very) wrong and waited for the telling off/smack/ burning bath or hot-wheel track whack on my leg (fear, panic, scared, butterflies, stomach ache)
....I stole one grape from outside the local greengrocers for a dare with my school friends and felt the hand  of the shopkeeper on my shoulder (blind absolute panic, anxiety, diarrhoea!)
... my next door neighbour and best friend finally came out to play when I had watched out the window for her for what seemed like hours as I wasn't allowed to call for her (warmth, relief, realisation, kinship)
...when I felt so lost and alone on my birthday knowing my birth mother was out there somewhere and couldn't help but think of me too on that special day (deep loneliness, alone)
...when I posted my very first home-made Valentine card through the front door of my first crush and he did not ever know it was me that sent it....and he died of leukaemia before the next Valentines Day came round (sadness, deep dark black loss)
...when I had an argument with my adoptive brother about searching for my birth family when I was old enough and walked into the park in distress and I pleaded with God 'If you really exist PLEASE do something to show me' and I turned round, after waiting half an hour, ready to leave the park and over my head was the most beautiful clear rainbow I have ever to this day seen (desperation, tears, wonder)
...I became so despairingly ill I thought my young daughter would be better off with her alcoholic father than me (crushing anguish, worthlessness, failure, weak)
....I got that gut wrenching fear in the pit of my stomach that ached while I waited for my ex-husband to stagger in, in a stupefied mess, scared about whether he would hit me or collapse asleep (fear, palpitations, rigid pain)
... that place in my body swelled so big it felt like it would burst through my chest when I saw my son in a school play, brave enough to have one speaking line (pride, happiness)
...when I felt the huge responsibility of life disappear when my best friend came to my rescue when I had given up the fight (relinquishment, relief, sobbing)
...when I looked at my daughter becoming a woman, knowing that I had given her an unstable and devastating childhood (guilt)


Get the idea now?
I could go on and tell you many more examples from before I realised what and where my soul was, but in most of those examples, my soul was almost totally enclosed by this wall of fear, self-loathing and anger and the tiny part inside had no chance of being felt or grown...it was too unsafe then. My soul was this big, black, dark, lonely, painful hole in the middle of my body, my stomach and gut. Your soul may have centred around your head, giving you migraines in the tenseness of your neck and upper spine.....perhaps your soul was from your heart, full of a loving family life, and it helps you deal with life now?....perhaps you could tell us?

After many years of working on my self esteem, gaining a (tiny!) bit of confidence and learning (just an even tinier bit of) trust, I was gradually able to take the wall of hurt down.

Now my soul is MINE, can't be hurt as safely INSIDE and PROTECTED by ME. I can let any experience I WANT fill my soul and shut any others out! Sometimes its hard....when you have lived a certain way for many many years, its easy to let those slippery little weeds sneak back in, but I soon uproot them and grow beautiful flowers in that soil, watch them grow in the sunshine of my soul, let the wind gently breeze through - my spirit and the birds sing because they are happy I am free! I have placed all those lovely things in my soul, and all the time I am growing my beautiful garden in my soul, filling it with different colours, senses and beauty........

I can't carry on now because my soul is so full of gratitude that I cant' concentrate!!!!!
I'm sure I will be back soon xxx
Peace x Tamsin.