How could I 'celebrate' 50 years since my mother had me, only to give me away. My own family, my own offspring and my husband and my very few truly trusted friends, spent time with me to support me through the annual devastating reminder that is my life!
One friend took a beautiful picture of us (one I cant show here for the sake of my family) - the perfect family. The picture of happiness - not a care in the world! My husband, daughter, son and my two beautiful grandchildren.
Who could tell that underneath we have suffered such trauma.
My daughter, having to cope with her mother being admitted to a mental hospital when she was just 10 years old, having to live with the chaotic lifestyle of moving house frequently and even being homeless, her mothers suicidal and terrifyingly unbalanced behaviour, the many other tragedies too personal to write here. How she has managed to bring up her two children in a secure marriage and develop into such a wonderful mother, I don't know. But her past affects her life too, and in turn affects her children's lives. I am so deeply proud of her. Deep feelings that I have only been able to have over the last 6 years. I never allowed myself to feel before as all I had was hurt, but what I have missed out on! What my children have missed out on from me! The deep love that I feel now is captured in my soul ... my soul that is now full of sunshine and light, overshadowing the dark corners and scarred walls that remain. I wont ever let that love go now, but am desperately sad that I couldn't give my children the love I know now I have always had for them but never been able to show ... maybe they could always feel what was in my soul - I don't know ...
My son, growing into such a strong, caring young man, a carer for me as I have M.E and fibromyalgia. he will now have to cope as I go through more therapy to manage my PTSD - the result of two devastating rejections from my birth mother and abuse from my adoptive mother.
My husband, nearly 10 years married, a meeting of two damaged souls, carries me through everything. He really is my soul partner.
My family. They are beautiful and good. No amount of 'trauma in their past' or in mine, leads them to be bad people. They are not greedy, selfish or self centred.
There is no excuse for committing crimes with the excuse of our past suffering. Don't listen to those that tell you that if you have been abused and are scared that you will inevitably become an abuser. It isn't true. It really isn't.
Combating abuse. It may take a lifetime. I am still battling and I was 50 two days ago, but you can work through this. You can become strong. You can learn to live and not just exist. You can grow pride in yourself instead of feeling just shame ...you can, honestly, you can. You can get to a place where you really do feel love and know that this feeling is true love. I never knew what love was until very recently - not because I was never given it, but because I had been hurt, rejected, violated and damaged so badly, that to let love anywhere near my heart and soul was too great a risk. Never, never give up hope. The world is not all full of greedy, selfish, abusive and self-centred people, even though it feels like it most of the time. There are people who do care. There is always hope. Hope that is real, not unrealistic. Real hope.