It is not a placebo or a fantasy. CBD oil has changed my life in ways that I could never have made up or even considered when starting this journey into well-being.

I went in to buy the CBD oil with my son, six weeks ago, after he'd had enough of seeing me in pain, with the torment it brought because of the lack of a quality of life I so dearly wanted but couldn't have.

I am, as you will see from previous blogs about mental health and therapy, 'a total sceptic with an open mind!' I thought that I may feel a bit less pain if I was lucky and this oil actually did something like a painkiller, but little did I know it would change my whole outlook on life. 

My outlook was always full of hope. I've always tried hard to look to the future, hoping that I will soon be able to do more and through continued effort, improve my illness through my own bloody mindedness and sheer hard work when delving into my mental health via therapy or mindfulness. 

I was told that it takes about six weeks for the CBD to start to alter and 'balance' your body. 

The first striking difference was almost immediate, with a clarity of vision. I wear glasses but my eyes with them on are pretty good. I could suddenly see more clearly though, a very difficult thing to describe when you thought you saw clearly before! There was a 'sharpness' to what I saw, a clearness and clarity that blew my mind! 

Secondly, my brain fog, a horrendous symptom of M.E and fibromyalgia, almost completely disappeared. Over the years since my diagnosis with these illness', I have had periods of time when my thoughts have been clear and my mind able to work, but these episodes were short and spread thinly throughout the year. Now, all of a sudden, I can write, create, think clearly, manage my finances, plan days out and travel! I can actually live! My mind is playing its full part of my being now! 

I worried that my mind would become my tormentor, that with my new found clear thinking, I would feel so let down by my body that I would become more depressed.

Thankfully, although very slowly, my body is starting to adjust and change too. The pain I had, caused mainly from fibromyalgia (pain in nerve endings all over your body), decreased to aches and twinges, rather than the belting forceful sharp strikes of pain that want to send you screaming through the roof or the numbing toothache-like deep bone pain that I've suffered with for seven years. There have been two significant areas in my body where my pain has decreased. Firstly in the back of my neck, across my shoulders on my back and my shoulder blades to the front. The pain reduced, I can now move my neck without it creaking and straining, the stiffness having come out of it. The second physical pain reduction has been in my back and hip area. Two years ago I was in a wheelchair. Now I can walk a short distance with no walking stick, only a short distance still at the moment, but with no stick! My walking stick is significant because I get excruciating back ache that permeates down one hip and thigh, causing me to walk bent to the side with a limp. My walking stick helps to hold me up on that side when I'm walking. Now, I can walk with my back straight as the pain has gone. After a short walk (for me a short walk is probably about 50 steps) I can feel an ache in my back start and I stop and rest. I never expected a miracle, but when I went into the shop I bought the CBD oil and was asked what I wanted from the oil and replied 'I just want to be able to walk like a normal person', little did I know that just six weeks later I would be able to walk, albeit a very short distance still, without my walking stick, upright, with no pain.

So, the future. I have lots of work still to do to continue to improve. 
My mental health has improved just because of my pain reduction and the resulting ability to get out, visit friends, go to the pub and listen to my favourite bands again and generally take part in life again. 
I have been reading that 'Your gut is your second brain', an interesting read and source of my next huge challenge. I have to get some of the weight off that has come with years of being bedridden and inactive, eating the wrong food and generally not caring about myself enough to care what went into my body. Now, alongside the CBD oil helping to clear and regulate my gut, I need to support it (the CBD) to work. This is my next focus.

​We have to work hard to keep moving forwards. Nobody said life would be, is, or should be, easy. Life has been a battle for me from the day I was conceived. It will remain a battle until I die, but now, at least I can have a better quality of life and some fun while I'm waiting! 

https://www.wakingtimes.com/2018/11/06/your-gut-is-your-second-brain

A letter to the lady who 'patted me on the head' when I was in my wheelchair.

'I've done a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks about getting back in my wheelchair.

A few years ago, I used some of my mobility benefit to get an electric wheelchair so that I could get around. That wheelchair made so much difference in my life.

A male friend of mine told me 'The first time I met you I saw you zooming around in your wheelchair, your bright red hair blowing in the wind, a huge smile of your face and without doubt, I could tell just by the way you looked, a great zest for living!'.  I value that description of me because I found being in a wheelchair incredibly hard. I fought a battle between wanting to have the freedom to get around and do the things I wanted to do and feeling 'less of a woman'.

At the time of getting my wheelchair, I had come out of an almost coma-like existence after collapsing with M.E (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis). I had lost family and friends, a career, years of my life, hobbies and interests and basically everything my life had been. I had to start again. I was an empty book. I felt robbed and angry, frustrated and didn't know who I was anymore. My husband had managed quite well without me bringing up my son, so what exactly was my purpose in life? I battled against all the negative feelings that constantly engulfed me and eventually started to try to eek out a purpose for my life again ... something that would make me feel useful and part of society. 

It was a hard and painful journey, not least because I still had this debilitating illness, on top of a past of trauma and abuse and its resulting damaged mental health. 

Fast forwards a couple of years and I was used to being in my wheelchair, used to being stared at when I got on the bus as the wheelchair 'parks' facing all the other people on the bus! I was used to struggling to get in some shops and not able to access others. I was used to people looking at me as if I was a fake when I got out of my wheelchair and walked a short distance. I got used to it all, but, I never could quite get used to feeling feminine and a woman, whilst in my wheelchair, especially after my marriage ended and I was single again. Little did I know I was going to feel worse than not just being a woman, I was going to feel like I wasn't even human! Little did I know, I was going to meet YOU! 

I was in the High Street in Barnstaple, North Devon one day, with my friend who had described me in the beautiful way above. We'd got into a conversation with you, a woman a little older than myself, while my friend  stopped for a rest at a bench. At the end of the perfectly normal conversation that you'd had (mainly with my friend), you looked at my him and said 'It was nice to meet you. Goodbye'. Then you turned to me, looked down and patted me on the head and walked away!

Yes, you actually patted me on the head! 

I was too dumbstruck to do or say anything at that moment. My friend and I just looked at each other incredulously. 'Did that actually just happen?'. I was shocked and then the anger set in, anger I'm afraid to say I still hold. Anger at your disrespect and total ignorance.

If you only knew how that one action would affect my life. 

I came out of my wheelchair not long afterwards, as soon as I could. I shut myself away back at home and only ever went out in the car, parking up where I needed to go, where I didn't need to walk. I have not been back into the town much over the last year or two ... its too difficult to walk. I've not  shopped, been round the pubs with friends, had nights out or done anything 'social' much. 

Now though, I'm in a position to change. I'm done with not being able to go into town, shop, go to the pub with friends and get around more freely. I have to face the fact that however much my physical and mental health has improved, I still can't walk more than a few yards without having to stop and rest and I feel exhausted. 

I've chatted to people about it over the last few weeks ... this dilemma that I want to be able to enjoy all aspects of my life and to do that, I need to use my wheelchair again. I've taken one step though ... charged it up! 

People have said to me 'Do you see so-and-so as less of a person because they are in a wheelchair?' and I've replied 'No'. I've seen video's of incredibly brave children who have no choice but to be in a wheelchair, just 'getting on with their lives', and I feel guilty about my 'hang-up'. I've seen videos of adults too, sporting, working and doing well, being themselves in spite of their difficulties. I've chatted to a friend who uses her chair as a 'tool' to get around too, but I'm sorry to say, and ashamed to say, I'm still struggling with my pride, because you not only took my self esteem, you took the mild semblance of womanhood I was hanging on to.

So, what is pride? It is used as a terribly negative word but is it totally bad? Is it arrogance or is it self esteem? 

I think it is a bit of both. I don't think I have a high opinion of myself, but I do need to have some self esteem because its something I've had to fight for many years to achieve. I certainly don't think of myself as any better than anyone else or have a high opinion of myself, but I do want to be seen as a valid person and woman in society. I think a bit of angry arrogance has helped me survive my childhood and times in my adult life, so I don't think its all bad. My experience with you though, ultimately showed me that my validity when I'm in a wheelchair is less than if I'd been standing up. How dreadful. I know its your (and many other peoples) prejudice and ignorance and not my own personal opinion of people in wheelchairs, but it blights my opinion of myself, because whether I like it or not, my history has made me a person that validates myself through other people. It's something I fight to change, and its slowly happening, but not soon enough. 

One day soon, I will have to get in that wheelchair and on the bus into town. I want all the wonderful positive experiences my wheelchair will bring to my social life, but I'm dreading that day too. Dreading that bus journey being looked at with people lowering their gaze to their laps as they are as embarrassed having to look at me too. I'm dreading people talking down to me, as I struggle enough to feel valid when I'm standing up!

Most of all though, I'm dreading meeting another YOU, you ignorant woman, who put me down and treated me like a dog, in front of my friend.