I thought, being a person like many others with a debilitating illness, used to being indoors and resting, that I would sail through this crisis much easier than most, but I'm finding it quite odd.
It is odd, because now, I have a strong urge that I don't want to die. I have spent so many years wanting to, that the thought that I want to live is a strange concept to grasp.
It is odd, because I have started clearing out old boxes of papers and pictures, school books and certificates, stashed in the back of my cupboard, organising and tidying whilst at the same time feeling I am clearing up to make things easier for my family when I die.
It is odd because, I finally felt able to throw away and put to one side, photo's of family I don't want in my life anymore, putting firm boundaries down. It's like I have acknowledged the death of what has past and cannot ever be changed.
It is odd because, I was talking to an old friend from my teenage years and out of the blue I get an invitation to like my old school's fb page. I posted some photo's and now 24 hours later, I am suddenly chatting to fellow students from 40 years ago. It is a huge 'hello', but also feels like a final acknowledgement and thank you for the part they played in my life.
It is odd, because in posting to that old school page, I found that the most fit, athletic and beautiful person I knew from back then, has died, before me.
It is odd, because I have lived a life restricted by my health, both mental and physical, but this time it isn't my body letting me down.
It is odd, because this 'control' over what I do in this crisis, feels like the control other people have had overpowering me during life that I wont let happen again, however, I am now unable to do anything about it as this control is societal.
It is odd and very unsettling.