I find it strange when I know that there are millions, tens of millions even, of people who KNOW that feeling of loss. I grew up knowing no warmth or love and totally missed out on what it FEELS like to be close and needed by someone. Even when I had my children I didn't really believe they needed ME. I felt different emotions pop up throughout their childhoods but I never really recognised them for what they were.
I didn't know that that warm tingly, overwhelming feeling I had when I looked at my baby daughter was what a mother's love was. How could I know? I was given up for adoption and then adopted to parents who should never have been allowed to adopt a child as they had too many issues of their own to deal with, let alone issues that I had to deal with as a baby losing the person I had spent 9 months growing inside of.
OK, so maybe I do know about that loss in some form. I truly believe that I did FEEL that loss as a newborn baby. When I was very ill, almost 20 years ago now, I wrote this.
'Conceived in passion, but born in fear,
Unable to become.
Tiny arms reach for that warm breast,
To suckle, to bond.
Blanketed, but cold, meaningless faces pass.
No tender touch of her soft skin
The smell of her milk has passed.
The paperwork completed, the deal is struck.
Monthly payments agreed or the goods removed from storage.
She cries as she hands over her newborn baby,
Having to pay for it's upkeep in a home.'