Over the last two weeks I've become a Godmother and I've seen my brand new grandson and my other grandchildren. I'm so proud of the mother my daughter has become 'despite me' and my son, well, he is going from strength to strength and looks like he has landed a fantastic job in security.
I'm so happy and content. I know my change in mood and mental health, the strength I've found in myself to build boundaries and my lack of stress is a mix of the therapy and the oil, but I'm not worried about being unable to tell which has affected which parts of me. I think I started taking the oil at the right time, a time when I'd come to the end of my pain management psychology therapy when my mind was open and ready to embrace a change.
Physically I have no stress at the back of my shoulders or neck, no pain in my back unless I walk too far, I have got up and out of bed EVERY DAY, a huge thing for me! My M.E and fibromyalgia kept me curled up in bed in misery and pain at least three days a week still up until I started the CBD oil. I still cannot walk any further, but at least I am not in pain the short distances I'm managing any more.
This week, I have been up every day, freshened up or showered and dressed. I spend time 'resting' still, every day, but I'm up, sat on my bed reading, watching the birds feeding outside my window, listening to music or motivational video's, creating, writing or I'm out with friends, having coffee and cake or lunch, drumming or listening to bands. I'm having a life that's full of well-being ( and not in an ill, manic state) for the first time in my life. No, honestly, I really do mean the first time in my life! Depression and un-diagnosed bipolar have blighted my whole life (and my children's) but now I'm stable and content. I never thought I could be in this state of mind. Its truly such a relief. When I started my therapy I felt I'd lost my magic when I lost my mania. I'd enjoyed that highly excitable state of mind that let me feel free and let me do anything I wanted to without thinking about the consequences... but it was dangerous and disastrous. I never thought I could enjoy myself in anything but that state, but have found I really can enjoy life without the mania now, without the added alcohol and prescription drug mix!
I'm still working on myself. Years of depression and comfort eating, lack of exercise as I cannot walk far and muscle fatigue, have left me over-weight and with a distorted sense of my body. I'm working on this with my physiotherapist. Hydrotherapy and groups will move me forward, as will the continued support of friends and the very real future of travel in sight ahead of me. I have places to go and people abroad to see and I feel confident that I will get to a point where I may have to use my walking stick still, but I will be able to walk further and will be able to enjoy going to different places.
I have real, tangible, touchable hope now. I'ts been a long journey, that will never end, but its one that is finally getting easier.
Listen to Ed Sheeran 'Save Myself'.