And I start to cry
each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by
Make believe that you don't see the tears
Just let me
grieve in private
'cause each time I see
I break down and cry, I cry
Walk on by, don't stop
Walk on by, don't stop
Walk on by
Beautiful song, especially when sung by Dionne Warwick. I never equated it with my mother until today.
I was in the market place with my husband when I spotted her. I was shocked but didn't panic-just wanted to get away. Why? Well she is my birth mother, you know, the one I blogged about last week.... who had me adopted. I hadn't seen her for five years, until today.
I didn't speak to her, just wanted to escape. I walked quickly round the nearest corner and could see her through a shop window. I looked at her. I just looked at her. I felt nothing. Nothing. The woman who gave birth to me. How can I feel nothing? I spent years and years crying for her, having been abused by my adoptive mother. I wanted my mummy but when I found her, nearly twenty years ago, I cried even more than I could ever have imagined as it slowly dawned on me that I was never going to have my mummy, that she had gone when I was adopted. My mother, well, after years of trying, I found I was going to have to lose her too. She never accepted me as an equal to my sister and after fifteen years of trying to be, my self-esteem wouldn't allow me to carry on trying any longer, especially as she had started treating my sisters sons differently to mine too. I was not going to let her hurt my son with rejection.
Rejection is the worse feeling I have ever experienced. It is a grief so painful to bear.
A few hours on and I have a little sadness tonight. I think I should have enough sadness to cry, but I can't. Sadness at the loss of her, the pointlessness of all the years I so wanted to find her, the anguish of the search, wanting to have my mummy...so sad.....seeing her today has brought so much back to me.
Next time I see her I don't want to run away. I want to be able to 'walk on by'. I want to be able to not feel vulnerable and a little girl, like I did today. Today I did learn one thing. I don't love her and I don't need her love. That realisation has shocked me more than seeing her has. So, maybe I will be able to just walk on by....I probably will cry, but in private like the song says...she will never get to know she hurt me again. She has no right to my feelings...she gave up that right many many years ago.