I'm an open-minded, fun, articulate and intelligent woman who lost my childhood, mother, adoptive family, birth family, friends, trust, a career, my mind and my health, but I'm still here, alive and content!!!!
Having spent my childhood in London, with bustling buses, The Underground nearby, theatres and shows, Christmas shopping in Harrods and Hamleys, I consider myself a townie, but currently, temporarily, live in a pretty seaside village in North Devon. Before coming here I spent a few years in my early 20's in Preston in Lancashire, my 30's in Newbury in Berkshire and in Bedford, and my 40's in a busy tourist seaside town in Cornwall. Who knows where I will go next!
My life has been FULL on. I have finally, after 50 years, filled every part of me, taking complete control of every part of my life, the philosophy being that if I fill it myself, no-one else can. I was totally controlled as a child and throughout my adult life, having got used to the sexual and physically abusive clutches of my adoptive mother and continuing to allow the same throughout my life. No longer. Its been an arduous journey but I've learnt so much along the way that I want to now share with you.
I finally feel safe now. I feel at peace. There is quiet all around me and I can now THINK! Until recently, this would have been a very scary time!
Until I became ill a few years ago I worked and worked, keeping busy, thankfully in a job I loved, but none-the-less, a very tiring and emotionally draining job. I didn't want to think about my life so I kept busy thinking about other people's! I worked in retail stocking everyone's desires, training staff, as a carer for children with special needs, in school with children close to being expelled and as a social worker with teens who had been fostered and their foster carers........... I TOTALLY loved all of my jobs...... I TOTALLY loved being useful and feeling complete and I was TOTALLY a workaholic!
Its no wonder then that I collapsed in 2008 with M.E (Myalgic Encephalopathy) and developed Fibromyalgia, just what I needed to add to the Chronic Depression I have suffered with since my teens. I laid in bed, unable to eat, drink, get out of bed to go to the loo or wash on my own. I had NOTHING! I lost my job, my salary, my social life, my friends and colleagues, my hobbies and I 'missed' my sons birthdays and Christmas' because I was so 'out of it'. Thankfully I did still have my husband, son and grown up daughter and a handful of friends, who have never deserted me.
As I started to recover from the massive 'hit' of the illness, I tried to busy myself again, get back to the old me I knew and (I thought ) loved. I started a self-help mental health support group, alongside my husbands shop, which I ran for about three years. I needed it - I couldn't bear not to be busy, not to be useful. I also became a Town Councillor, ran a youth music festival and helped arrange a town survey into services people wanted in the town. I was instrumental in liaising with a landlord and the town council to acquire the building now used as the towns museum and also started the local shop keepers group which has developed into the 'Chamber of Trade' for the town. Over time I ran out of energy and found people were taking advantage of me again - not through their deliberate unkindness, but because I was still vulnerable and I allowed people to take advantage of my kindness and my need to be wanted.
It couldn't last. I couldn't keep it up while being so ill. I moved the support group on-line and moved house to a tiny idyllic picture postcard cottage in a tiny idyllic picture postcard village. Never had I craved peace and quiet until then. I had always been too scared of what I would hear and what I would think about, but you know what, I was forced to be in my own company for a few years and forced to examine the person I am and I have grown to like her. I am alright!
I spent about a year recuperating in the village and didn't go out. My exhaustion was so debilitating.
I was happy enough, managed to get up for a few hours a day to talk to my son and slept and read.
My greatest pleasure was watching the House Martins from my bedroom window and hearing them sing when they stopped flying and sat on the telephone wires outside. I loved them. Their singing was joyful.
I soon started to want to be 'out there' to see the world they were experiencing.
Across the road was a huge hall that I saw was almost always empty. Why? What a dreadful waste! I went online and saw how little it was used. I had always been 'crafty' and my husband and I had started to make and decorate planters and boxes made from pallet wood. My husband made some beautiful boxes, planters, shelves, hutches and all kinds of things. I stated to personalise them, make planters with peoples house names on the, baby boxes personalised with name and birth date and huge toy boxes too. I loved it. It was something I could do i the house and I could paint when I wanted. We started to go out to the local markets, getting me out and about a bit, but I could sit down and talk to people. I always loved retail and the markets were great fun. I decided to start my own market in the hall opposite my house and set up 'Merton Meal and Market', a truly community adventure. The market stalls were mainly run by people who were vulnerable and needed to be in an environment of safety and support. we started the market at a time that meant people could take their children to school first. We had a wonderful lady, Mandy Harding, who now runs 'Benham's Bistro in Chulmleigh, come and run our new kitchen. We had a true community cafe at the market, with good food served and cost price to ensure people could eat and enjoy the cafe. We had a gentleman who came every week to eat and also took home some frozen meals so that he could eat during the week. I like to believe that we were a bit of a life saver for some people struggling at that time. I ran the market for a couple of years ad then with a growing committee I passed it over when I left.
During my time here I also held a wedding fair. 'Keep It Green is our Wedding Fayre Theme' was its flavour. It was a great event. Every stallholder hand made their crafts for weddings from recycled goods. We had an amazing dressmaker who held a fashion show. Her dresses were absolutely awesome. You can see her designs in 'Inspiration - photo's'.
Whilst the market was still running the refugee crisis in France hit the headlines and awareness of the plight of the people living in 'The Jungle' in Calais was heightened. I suggested with a friend we collect some clothing and necessary equipment and take it to Calais ourselves. We started a collection ...little did we know how many people wanted to help. Suddenly our little collection to fill 2 vans became massive. We were collecting and receiving donations at our homes and the market and 'drop off' points started to pop up. I never got to Calais. My friend who started it with me never got there either. Over the space of a few months we ended up coordinating 21 collection points in North Devon, supporting a larger group of people to transport lorries full of items over to Calais. We also started to work with RAFT 'Refugee Aid From Taunton', dropping larger items there for them to transport through their wider network to Syrian refugee camps, the Greek Islands and other places in France.
While watching what was happening around the world we became aware of the problems that volunteers were having in the Greek Islands ... people coming off the dingy's and not enough volunteers to coordinate food, dry clothing, footwear and tents etc to each person. We came up with the concept of 'Survival Bags' complete with a set of clothing, coat, gloves and hat, knitted blanket, emergency food bars, an emergency blanket, hand warmer and for babies we also included nappies and wet wipes. We coordinated volunteers to make up the packs and sent many off via RAFT. At this time we were receiving many items unsuitable for the refugee crisis, but didn't want to dispose or just recycle them, and a couple of us started to pop into the nearest large town to distribute the items to the homeless there. Over time we developed a rapport with the homeless guys and realised that we really needed to be nearer to provide a good service to them, that the little village we were still working out of.
'My 17 years marriage died at the same time Survival Bags Home and Away' was born. It started in a little charitable shop and developed into 'spaces' around the town where we provided daily cooked breakfasts and food, a clothing store and a place to be our of the cold during the day, for the homeless community. We set up at the local Youth House, temporarily in a market hall, on the street for a while and later in a small property we called 'The Den'. We ran this charitable cause for about three years in all. Sadly, I became very poorly and my mental health deteriorated due to overwork. I was unfortunately not supported at this time by the committee now running our cause, despite having supported so many people with mental health difficulties over the years previous. I then became disastrously ill.
I am telling my story now because it may help someone, anyone, who is struggling. I want people to see that you can move up out of the depths of despair.
I had been frivolously spending, drinking, was out every hour I could be, was promiscuous, spending time in company that wasn't best for me and was totally manic and out of control. I was very poorly but it took me to be suicidal, to be supported by the crisis team and follow up, to be finally be diagnosed with Bipolar. Disorder. Unfortunately, as I am a figure that sticks my head above the parapet, I once again was easy prey to gossip, over exaggeration, rumours and people jumping to conclusions too quickly resulting in unfair judgement. Thank goodness my closest friends and family didn't give up on me. They knew I was poorly, recognised that I had been very ill and not in character for many months before and didn't disown me. Others did.
Since I was 17 years old I have been diagnosed with Chronic Depression. The continual anti-depressant treatment over the years since had seen me still become very ill at times with a period in a mental hospital, two years attending a therapeutic community five days a week, continual self harming and at various times suicidal. Finally I started to receive the medication I probably was supposed to have had my whole adult life.
A year later and I take no antidepressants and am on a mood stabiliser. I feel better than I have ever done. Its very sad that I have spent so many years wrongly diagnosed, but hey, that's life, in the past and I can do nothing about it now and have moved forwards. I have been having EMDR with a clinical psychologist through the pain management service, for about 5 months now and feel so supported. I have spoken about every part of my abused life and worked through it. Its been a painful process, almost at an end now having dealt with every part of my life, but has been a lifeline to seeing myself better, accepting who I am and my diagnosis, coping with the fear of becoming manic again and how to manage it and I have forgiven myself.
I now volunteer at a training centre for people with learning disabilities and poor mental health. I work with other people with depression, bipolar, personality disorders, psychosis, autism and Asperger's amongst many other conditions. I am accepted for who I am and have my good and bad days, but love what I am doing. I support people with their disability benefits and have started to do the things I enjoy again, crafting, writing and djembe drumming. I am so much happier. I still suffer with M.E and fibromyalgia, giving me exhaustion and pain regularly, however, I have learnt to pace myself and not beat myself up when I need to rest. I have met new friends and am loving my life.
I have now started my CBD journey .... in the hope that I can knock off some of this exhaustion and resulting pain ... in the hope that I will be able to travel. I have a list on my wall, on my world map, of the places I want to visit, alone. I have Granada (Spain), Panama, Mexico, Marrakesh, Paris and Portland (USA) on my list so far. I need to get just a little bit better ... just a bit. I want to be able to walk down the street, be able to spend maybe an hour of a time with just little rests, walking without my stick around the Moroccan markets, on the beach and to be able to get up and dance in the evenings! I just can't imagine being able to do it, but I am living in hope that CBD will change my life, just that little bit more.
I am ready to fly! I am ready to go! I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I can see more clearly and want everyone who feels there is no hope or future, to know that there is. You just have to find 'your way, your place and your pace' in life.
Having spent my childhood in London, with bustling buses, The Underground nearby, theatres and shows, Christmas shopping in Harrods and Hamleys, I consider myself a townie, but currently, temporarily, live in a pretty seaside village in North Devon. Before coming here I spent a few years in my early 20's in Preston in Lancashire, my 30's in Newbury in Berkshire and in Bedford, and my 40's in a busy tourist seaside town in Cornwall. Who knows where I will go next!
My life has been FULL on. I have finally, after 50 years, filled every part of me, taking complete control of every part of my life, the philosophy being that if I fill it myself, no-one else can. I was totally controlled as a child and throughout my adult life, having got used to the sexual and physically abusive clutches of my adoptive mother and continuing to allow the same throughout my life. No longer. Its been an arduous journey but I've learnt so much along the way that I want to now share with you.
I finally feel safe now. I feel at peace. There is quiet all around me and I can now THINK! Until recently, this would have been a very scary time!
Until I became ill a few years ago I worked and worked, keeping busy, thankfully in a job I loved, but none-the-less, a very tiring and emotionally draining job. I didn't want to think about my life so I kept busy thinking about other people's! I worked in retail stocking everyone's desires, training staff, as a carer for children with special needs, in school with children close to being expelled and as a social worker with teens who had been fostered and their foster carers........... I TOTALLY loved all of my jobs...... I TOTALLY loved being useful and feeling complete and I was TOTALLY a workaholic!
Its no wonder then that I collapsed in 2008 with M.E (Myalgic Encephalopathy) and developed Fibromyalgia, just what I needed to add to the Chronic Depression I have suffered with since my teens. I laid in bed, unable to eat, drink, get out of bed to go to the loo or wash on my own. I had NOTHING! I lost my job, my salary, my social life, my friends and colleagues, my hobbies and I 'missed' my sons birthdays and Christmas' because I was so 'out of it'. Thankfully I did still have my husband, son and grown up daughter and a handful of friends, who have never deserted me.
As I started to recover from the massive 'hit' of the illness, I tried to busy myself again, get back to the old me I knew and (I thought ) loved. I started a self-help mental health support group, alongside my husbands shop, which I ran for about three years. I needed it - I couldn't bear not to be busy, not to be useful. I also became a Town Councillor, ran a youth music festival and helped arrange a town survey into services people wanted in the town. I was instrumental in liaising with a landlord and the town council to acquire the building now used as the towns museum and also started the local shop keepers group which has developed into the 'Chamber of Trade' for the town. Over time I ran out of energy and found people were taking advantage of me again - not through their deliberate unkindness, but because I was still vulnerable and I allowed people to take advantage of my kindness and my need to be wanted.
It couldn't last. I couldn't keep it up while being so ill. I moved the support group on-line and moved house to a tiny idyllic picture postcard cottage in a tiny idyllic picture postcard village. Never had I craved peace and quiet until then. I had always been too scared of what I would hear and what I would think about, but you know what, I was forced to be in my own company for a few years and forced to examine the person I am and I have grown to like her. I am alright!
I spent about a year recuperating in the village and didn't go out. My exhaustion was so debilitating.
I was happy enough, managed to get up for a few hours a day to talk to my son and slept and read.
My greatest pleasure was watching the House Martins from my bedroom window and hearing them sing when they stopped flying and sat on the telephone wires outside. I loved them. Their singing was joyful.
I soon started to want to be 'out there' to see the world they were experiencing.
Across the road was a huge hall that I saw was almost always empty. Why? What a dreadful waste! I went online and saw how little it was used. I had always been 'crafty' and my husband and I had started to make and decorate planters and boxes made from pallet wood. My husband made some beautiful boxes, planters, shelves, hutches and all kinds of things. I stated to personalise them, make planters with peoples house names on the, baby boxes personalised with name and birth date and huge toy boxes too. I loved it. It was something I could do i the house and I could paint when I wanted. We started to go out to the local markets, getting me out and about a bit, but I could sit down and talk to people. I always loved retail and the markets were great fun. I decided to start my own market in the hall opposite my house and set up 'Merton Meal and Market', a truly community adventure. The market stalls were mainly run by people who were vulnerable and needed to be in an environment of safety and support. we started the market at a time that meant people could take their children to school first. We had a wonderful lady, Mandy Harding, who now runs 'Benham's Bistro in Chulmleigh, come and run our new kitchen. We had a true community cafe at the market, with good food served and cost price to ensure people could eat and enjoy the cafe. We had a gentleman who came every week to eat and also took home some frozen meals so that he could eat during the week. I like to believe that we were a bit of a life saver for some people struggling at that time. I ran the market for a couple of years ad then with a growing committee I passed it over when I left.
During my time here I also held a wedding fair. 'Keep It Green is our Wedding Fayre Theme' was its flavour. It was a great event. Every stallholder hand made their crafts for weddings from recycled goods. We had an amazing dressmaker who held a fashion show. Her dresses were absolutely awesome. You can see her designs in 'Inspiration - photo's'.
Whilst the market was still running the refugee crisis in France hit the headlines and awareness of the plight of the people living in 'The Jungle' in Calais was heightened. I suggested with a friend we collect some clothing and necessary equipment and take it to Calais ourselves. We started a collection ...little did we know how many people wanted to help. Suddenly our little collection to fill 2 vans became massive. We were collecting and receiving donations at our homes and the market and 'drop off' points started to pop up. I never got to Calais. My friend who started it with me never got there either. Over the space of a few months we ended up coordinating 21 collection points in North Devon, supporting a larger group of people to transport lorries full of items over to Calais. We also started to work with RAFT 'Refugee Aid From Taunton', dropping larger items there for them to transport through their wider network to Syrian refugee camps, the Greek Islands and other places in France.
While watching what was happening around the world we became aware of the problems that volunteers were having in the Greek Islands ... people coming off the dingy's and not enough volunteers to coordinate food, dry clothing, footwear and tents etc to each person. We came up with the concept of 'Survival Bags' complete with a set of clothing, coat, gloves and hat, knitted blanket, emergency food bars, an emergency blanket, hand warmer and for babies we also included nappies and wet wipes. We coordinated volunteers to make up the packs and sent many off via RAFT. At this time we were receiving many items unsuitable for the refugee crisis, but didn't want to dispose or just recycle them, and a couple of us started to pop into the nearest large town to distribute the items to the homeless there. Over time we developed a rapport with the homeless guys and realised that we really needed to be nearer to provide a good service to them, that the little village we were still working out of.
'My 17 years marriage died at the same time Survival Bags Home and Away' was born. It started in a little charitable shop and developed into 'spaces' around the town where we provided daily cooked breakfasts and food, a clothing store and a place to be our of the cold during the day, for the homeless community. We set up at the local Youth House, temporarily in a market hall, on the street for a while and later in a small property we called 'The Den'. We ran this charitable cause for about three years in all. Sadly, I became very poorly and my mental health deteriorated due to overwork. I was unfortunately not supported at this time by the committee now running our cause, despite having supported so many people with mental health difficulties over the years previous. I then became disastrously ill.
I am telling my story now because it may help someone, anyone, who is struggling. I want people to see that you can move up out of the depths of despair.
I had been frivolously spending, drinking, was out every hour I could be, was promiscuous, spending time in company that wasn't best for me and was totally manic and out of control. I was very poorly but it took me to be suicidal, to be supported by the crisis team and follow up, to be finally be diagnosed with Bipolar. Disorder. Unfortunately, as I am a figure that sticks my head above the parapet, I once again was easy prey to gossip, over exaggeration, rumours and people jumping to conclusions too quickly resulting in unfair judgement. Thank goodness my closest friends and family didn't give up on me. They knew I was poorly, recognised that I had been very ill and not in character for many months before and didn't disown me. Others did.
Since I was 17 years old I have been diagnosed with Chronic Depression. The continual anti-depressant treatment over the years since had seen me still become very ill at times with a period in a mental hospital, two years attending a therapeutic community five days a week, continual self harming and at various times suicidal. Finally I started to receive the medication I probably was supposed to have had my whole adult life.
A year later and I take no antidepressants and am on a mood stabiliser. I feel better than I have ever done. Its very sad that I have spent so many years wrongly diagnosed, but hey, that's life, in the past and I can do nothing about it now and have moved forwards. I have been having EMDR with a clinical psychologist through the pain management service, for about 5 months now and feel so supported. I have spoken about every part of my abused life and worked through it. Its been a painful process, almost at an end now having dealt with every part of my life, but has been a lifeline to seeing myself better, accepting who I am and my diagnosis, coping with the fear of becoming manic again and how to manage it and I have forgiven myself.
I now volunteer at a training centre for people with learning disabilities and poor mental health. I work with other people with depression, bipolar, personality disorders, psychosis, autism and Asperger's amongst many other conditions. I am accepted for who I am and have my good and bad days, but love what I am doing. I support people with their disability benefits and have started to do the things I enjoy again, crafting, writing and djembe drumming. I am so much happier. I still suffer with M.E and fibromyalgia, giving me exhaustion and pain regularly, however, I have learnt to pace myself and not beat myself up when I need to rest. I have met new friends and am loving my life.
I have now started my CBD journey .... in the hope that I can knock off some of this exhaustion and resulting pain ... in the hope that I will be able to travel. I have a list on my wall, on my world map, of the places I want to visit, alone. I have Granada (Spain), Panama, Mexico, Marrakesh, Paris and Portland (USA) on my list so far. I need to get just a little bit better ... just a bit. I want to be able to walk down the street, be able to spend maybe an hour of a time with just little rests, walking without my stick around the Moroccan markets, on the beach and to be able to get up and dance in the evenings! I just can't imagine being able to do it, but I am living in hope that CBD will change my life, just that little bit more.
I am ready to fly! I am ready to go! I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I can see more clearly and want everyone who feels there is no hope or future, to know that there is. You just have to find 'your way, your place and your pace' in life.
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